Many of my clients are evaluating career moves. Some are up for big promotions (think C-suite). Some are being pursued for paid board positions. Some are evaluating sabbaticals and even full retirement. And still others are thinking of 180-degree transitions into different fields and writing new chapters.
And without almost any exceptions, they question their decisions. It is a strange sort of FOMO. They compare themselves to others. Yet oddly, by most peoples’ measures, they achieved so much. Most have been monetarily successful, many are happily married, most are healthy and live thriving professional and personal lives. However, seeing others the same age, they revert to the disease of comparison. They compare with those whom they think are ‘more’ successful; aka: have more money, have more recognition, achieved more fame, have contributed more – the list is endless. Then, this causes them to not feel so great about themselves, their ‘station’ in life or ‘life’ in general.
They have unintentionally fallen into the Greek poet, Ovid’s, saying and perspective: ‘’the harvest is always richer in another’s man’s field.”
We all know folks like this. The folks that are happy for you as long as they feel ‘on top of the heap’ and they feel ‘better than’…. then they are secure that their harvest is the richest.
Buzz kill: there is no such thing.
What I want to offer is that this pariah of ‘outdoing the Jones’ is a miscast objective. We know this intellectually. Yet, the competitive spirit resident in almost everyone casts shade on the accomplishments and contributions they have made in their own lives.
So, how do we, or should we, evolve past the gnawing need to compare ourselves to others? Does this process of comparison help or hurt us as we navigate our lives? Is it possible to thrive, contribute, and grow individually – while using other peoples’ lives as the benchmark? What is enough?
A few thoughts on this:
First, I am not so sure that, in and of themselves, some comparisons and contrasts in our lives are not helpful to us as we go through life. Often when I fall prey to ‘looking over my shoulder,’ this process serves as a catalyst to my own growth, sense of discipline or even as a solution to my own procrastination.
In addition, if I am honest with myself, the comparisons become not the yardstick but, in some ways, serve as my compass as to what is important to me. What others have, I simply may not want; or want badly enough to do what I would need to do to get them. These two observations can be a powerful combination.
As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her book: Eat, Pray, Love, “Life’s metaphors are God’s instructions.” I love that statement – as I am a ‘metaphoric person’ anyway. To me, this means that life’s experiences, both the simple and the complex, are revealing my own unique journey. The path may not, in fact will not, be the same as anybody else’s. It may not be ‘enough’ for someone else; it will be more than enough for me.
So, what is the result of measuring against something that by its very nature will be different?
In my professional and personal conversations over the years, seldom does the concern of comparison, competition, and contrast NOT come up when a person is ‘weighing’ their success – by any metric they choose. There is reality in this ‘out-doing the Jones’ scenario’ – and we see it in most areas of our lives.
When is it ever ‘enough’? Ignoring these feelings, or acting like they aren’t there, will not make them go away. I suggest that by embracing them and channeling that energy will.
Never does the process of ‘comparing’ to another ever fill the void of ‘worthiness’ of ‘my grass being greener’ or ‘the harvest being richer’ for any long-term fulfillment. There will always be a person with more, or with less, by any metric or benchmark chosen; and their paths are undeniably going to be different. The comparisons, by themselves, only confuse the real issue.
Yes, comparing and contrasting can serve as catalysts and compasses for our choices. However, perhaps that is the real serum – they help us see with fresh perspective how rich the entire field can be for all of us and help to determine our unique direction for our individual lives.
Krishnamurti, a renowned writer and speaker on philosophical subjects in the mid-1900’s, in one of his many books: The Book of Life: Daily Meditations with Krishnamurti states a most profound awareness for this last point:
“When one can clarify the confusion within oneself, then one will find what the purpose of life is; all that you have to do is to be free from those causes that bring about the confusion.”
It is up to each one of us to dissolve the confusion in our own lives. Validation through another person’s ‘richer harvest’ is not the answer.
Revelation through our own unique, differentiated, aligned self is.